Just last month, on the 3rd of August.. I spent the day in New York City.
I took photographs of random strangers, I explored the Plaza Hotel... Purchased a blueberry pie at one of the Plazas stores.. and sat alone in Central Park to eat it.. Marveling the wonderment that is new york city.. I stood on the streets for minutes that seemed like hours.. watching the pigeons gather at the horses feet.. watching the horses take graceful steps that made the birds scatter into the sky.. trying to take the perfect photo.
I can't explain why eating a $7 blueberry pie from the Plaza Hotel in Central Park was special.. I can't explain why it was a 'moment'... I can only say that it was.
I've had people ask.. 'Why did you do that?' Asking a question like that seems perplexing to me.. Isn't it obvious why I did it?? Because I wanted to.. Because something about it felt good.. Because it felt like for that moment in time.. I was making my dream a reality.. At that moment in time.. I lived in New York City.. I worked for a magazine in Manhattan.. and I ate fancy food on our late afternoon lunch dates or early dinners on the go with them in the park in our fashionable clothing.. In that moment.. I was who I wanted to be.. and living where I wanted to live.. The bird ladies of central park, the pigeons, the street venders, all where a part of my every day life.. I realize now that anybody who would ask 'Why did you do that' just simply does not share or understand or comprehend my vision... At that moment I realized.. If you do not share my vision, you probably aren't going to feel like a fit in my life.
I realized how important it is in a life partner to find somebody who has the same vision as you.. 2 lives being like 2 lead characters in a movie.. In a movie the script is written to make the 2 main characters fit together.. In such a way love should join 2 people forever in harmony.. 2 people who share a vision.
I sat down tonight to watch 'The Vow'. It had that super hot guy from 'Dear John' in it.. If you haven't seen the film, his new wife loses her memory after a car accident. She doesn't remember her husband, and he gives up every part of his life and every effort of his soul to make her fall in love with him again..
This is the only way that love should be. The bible itself even says that a wife should be like the church, and the groom like Jesus.. Willing to die for the one that he loves. I've seen so many relationships that could be described only as a crock. Relationships where slashing each other apart and tearing each other down where the norm. Cheating, criticizing, living separate lives.. I sit here wondering.. For me a life without this kind of love is not worth living. To live a life without thta one person loving you is a fate worse than death.. worse than a horror film. I realize now that so many women (christian especially) don't actually understand this need in me.. Perhaps they themselves are happy to live lives alone.. Where they don't really matter to anyone.. Or perhaps they matter to so many people that one missing from their life will go unnoticed..
I am in neither of those categories.. I grew up alone, and even now I'm not sure which of my friends (if any) are in it for the long haul.. Some have let me down.. Some have left my life and come back.. Some I would like to 'break up' with but haven't gotten around to it.. After all, what if I couldn't replace them?
What if I got rid of the old dress full of holes and couldn't find another to replace it? Then I'd be left with a bigger hole in the wardrobe than before..
I can't relate to these women. These women that say 'ask yourself why you want love'.. I can't relate to them, and evident-ally their questions show they can't relate to me..
I live constantly trying to pretend I don't have this fear that almost swallows me hole. A fear that I will end up alone.. Half of my parents and all of my siblings chose not to be a part of my life from when I was a tiny child.. Having a strange mother and being a loud and free thinking child left me alone in my childhood.. For most of my life, there has been no family.. and no friends.. This is just one more reason that finding 'the one' is so important to me.. the more I watch movies like this, the more tears I shed.. wondering 'will it ever happen to me'.. I don't want to pretend to love somebody.. I've tried that before.. I don't want to be with somebody who is pretending to love me.. I've been down that road too.
My non christian girlfriends often suggest 'you're too picky' but you're giving your life to that person.. You don't find 'the one' by saying 'well I don't really like you but I'll force myself to'. It might work for some people, but to me that is a fate worse than being alone.
Every day I am forced to look in the mirror.. I look in the mirror, and I'm forced to face the eyes of a little girl whos older sisters and brother didn't want her.. whos male biological parent didn't want her.. and largely through life has dated, been rejected by, and had broken friendships with other people who didn't want her.
I see somebody who has continually been told by people that she's a disappointment, and is still being told by people that she's a disappointment.. I've always thought I was great.. but I've always wondered.. if I'm so great why doesn't somebody else see it.. and I've always acknowledged that whether I think I'm great or not isn't relevant if the world things I'm annoying, a nuisance, loud, and overbearing..
That brings me back to the original thought.. Is there anybody who will share my vision.. Is there such a thing as a soul mate.. I have friends who don't believe in soul mates.. They believe you can be compatible with many people and make a successful life long relationship with many.. That makes me feel like even more of a reject.. If there's many for some.. why isn't there any for me?
I have to juggle hope against uncertainty.. and it's like pushing a boulder uphill.. Every day that I am alone.. I shed tears.. Tears that nobody sees.. Tears I don't get to share.. Tears that make my cat purr. Tears that leave a sore ache that never goes away..
