The Quest for Love.. and "The Vow"

Just last month, on the 3rd of August.. I spent the day in New York City.

I took photographs of random strangers, I explored the Plaza Hotel... Purchased a blueberry pie at one of the Plazas stores.. and sat alone in Central Park to eat it.. Marveling the wonderment that is new york city.. I stood on the streets for minutes that seemed like hours.. watching the pigeons gather at the horses feet.. watching the horses take graceful steps that made the birds scatter into the sky.. trying to take the perfect photo.

I can't explain why eating a $7 blueberry pie from the Plaza Hotel in Central Park was special.. I can't explain why it was a 'moment'... I can only say that it was.

I've had people ask.. 'Why did you do that?' Asking a question like that seems perplexing to me.. Isn't it obvious why I did it?? Because I wanted to.. Because something about it felt good.. Because it felt like for that moment in time.. I was making my dream a reality.. At that moment in time.. I lived in New York City.. I worked for a magazine in Manhattan.. and I ate fancy food on our late afternoon lunch dates or early dinners on the go with them in the park in our fashionable clothing.. In that moment.. I was who I wanted to be.. and living where I wanted to live.. The bird ladies of central park, the pigeons, the street venders, all where a part of my every day life.. I realize now that anybody who would ask 'Why did you do that' just simply does not share or understand or comprehend my vision... At that moment I realized.. If you do not share my vision, you probably aren't going to feel like a fit in my life.

I realized how important it is in a life partner to find somebody who has the same vision as you.. 2 lives being like 2 lead characters in a movie.. In a movie the script is written to make the 2 main characters fit together.. In such a way love should join 2 people forever in harmony.. 2 people who share a vision.

I sat down tonight to watch 'The Vow'. It had that super hot guy from 'Dear John' in it.. If you haven't seen the film, his new wife loses her memory after a car accident. She doesn't remember her husband, and he gives up every part of his life and every effort of his soul to make her fall in love with him again..

This is the only way that love should be. The bible itself even says that a wife should be like the church, and the groom like Jesus.. Willing to die for the one that he loves. I've seen so many relationships that could be described only as a crock. Relationships where slashing each other apart and tearing each other down where the norm. Cheating, criticizing, living separate lives.. I sit here wondering.. For me a life without this kind of love is not worth living. To live a life without thta one person loving you is a fate worse than death.. worse than a horror film. I realize now that so many women (christian especially) don't actually understand this need in me.. Perhaps they themselves are happy to live lives alone.. Where they don't really matter to anyone.. Or perhaps they matter to so many people that one missing from their life will go unnoticed..

I am in neither of those categories.. I grew up alone, and even now I'm not sure which of my friends (if any) are in it for the long haul.. Some have let me down.. Some have left my life and come back.. Some I would like to 'break up' with but haven't gotten around to it.. After all, what if I couldn't replace them?

What if I got rid of the old dress full of holes and couldn't find another to replace it? Then I'd be left with a bigger hole in the wardrobe than before..

I can't relate to these women. These women that say 'ask yourself why you want love'.. I can't relate to them, and evident-ally their questions show they can't relate to me..

I live constantly trying to pretend I don't have this fear that almost swallows me hole. A fear that I will end up alone.. Half of my parents and all of my siblings chose not to be a part of my life from when I was a tiny child.. Having a strange mother and being a loud and free thinking child left me alone in my childhood.. For most of my life, there has been no family.. and no friends.. This is just one more reason that finding 'the one' is so important to me.. the more I watch movies like this, the more tears I shed.. wondering 'will it ever happen to me'.. I don't want to pretend to love somebody.. I've tried that before.. I don't want to be with somebody who is pretending to love me.. I've been down that road too.

My non christian girlfriends often suggest 'you're too picky' but you're giving your life to that person.. You don't find 'the one' by saying 'well I don't really like you but I'll force myself to'. It might work for some people, but to me that is a fate worse than being alone.

Every day I am forced to look in the mirror.. I look in the mirror, and I'm forced to face the eyes of a little girl whos older sisters and brother didn't want her.. whos male biological parent didn't want her.. and largely through life has dated, been rejected by, and had broken friendships with other people who didn't want her.

I see somebody who has continually been told by people that she's a disappointment, and is still being told by people that she's a disappointment.. I've always thought I was great.. but I've always wondered.. if I'm so great why doesn't somebody else see it.. and I've always acknowledged that whether I think I'm great or not isn't relevant if the world things I'm annoying, a nuisance, loud, and overbearing..

That brings me back to the original thought.. Is there anybody who will share my vision.. Is there such a thing as a soul mate.. I have friends who don't believe in soul mates.. They believe you can be compatible with many people and make a successful life long relationship with many.. That makes me feel like even more of a reject.. If there's many for some.. why isn't there any for me?

I have to juggle hope against uncertainty.. and it's like pushing a boulder uphill.. Every day that I am alone.. I shed tears.. Tears that nobody sees.. Tears I don't get to share.. Tears that make my cat purr. Tears that leave a sore ache that never goes away..

To believe or not to believe.. that is the question...

Let me start by clarifying that this post is about both friendship and romantic love.. faith in people, faith in impending happiness.. Fear of impending doom.

I've found what frustrates me most is that people will say anything to get you to shut up, smile, and momentarily stop worrying.. "You'll find the one.." "you're not meant to be alone..."
If somebody ends up alone.. you'll find people making all sorts of excuses for why this happened.. "They probably didn't try" but if you tell them that's not the case, they'll say "well they must have tried too hard"....
At a seminar I went to that was held at a church... a woman got up and shared her story.. Her story of miscarriage upon miscarriage.. the many comments of so called well meaning people, telling her the miscarriaged didn't matter.. and something she said during her talk, was that "those of us who have a struggle, are trying to keep a balance between hope and despair..."

Hope<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Despair


I really don't know where I sit on that scale.. You see.. my mother is dead.. my male biological parent was never a part of my life.. by his choice, and my sisters and brother chose not to be a part of my life either.. being over a dozen years older than me.. I grew up alone.. with my Mother.. completely isolated from people besides those that I saw at school.
I never had friends at school.. On the recipient end of much bullying.. school was a nightmare for me.. My mother and sister would say that it's when you go to college that you 'get friends' or in the workplace is where you'd find your wonderful true soulmates.. but this hasn't happened for me either...

From a young age their has been a lingering thought that I wouldn't make it into my mid thirties...

"Friendship"

You know some people tell me that the friendships on television aren't real.. It's just television.. but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where does television come from? As a writer myself, I can tell you that writers write from experience.. Many years ago I stated that I wanted to write a book called... "The Anti Friendship Book - When Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Each chapter was going to be a short story of it's own merit. Some where going to be my stories.. Some where going to be other peoples stories shared with me (with names changed) for the book sake.. This year for me has been an exodus.. An exodus of friends walking out of my life for various reason.. and just like my youth.. some of those reasons are crazy. Would you believe I once lost a friend because we had a fight over pronunciation? And when I was 19, my "best friend" slept with my other best friend who I thought I was in love with.. hence ending both friendships.. Ultimately my life has taught me one loud screaming message.. "Do not trust people." I've had my share of female friends who are only around when they're single, to friends who treat you in a way that you don't want to accept.. but you let them because you're trying to figure the answers.. Let's come back to that thought.. The book was going to be short stories.. Some a half page, some pages upon pages long.. Each would start with the characters meetings, their relationship blooming.. and the demise of the friendship.. and then anything crazy that happened afterwards. Amazingly enough, years after I started planning my idea I found a book by Liz Prior.. titled 'What Did I Do Wrong? - When Women Don't Tell Eachother The Friendsip is Over'. In the book Liz writes her own stories, and shares other womens about friendships that have mysteriously ended. She had a best friend who was her own bridesmaid, and shortly before the best friend got married, she did a disappearing act. I remember the day I saw the book on Amazon.. excitedly yelling inside 'THAT'S MY BOOK!' and I was bursting to recieve it. I submitted my own story to Liz at some point.. but since 2012 has been a new mass exodus of "friends" from my life.. (and I'm using the term semi loosely) I've decided that I am going to write the book afterall. Instead of writing it in a novel format, I'm going to write it in blog format. Each destroyed friendship is going to be a blog post of it's own.. Some will be my own stories.. Others will be stories given to me by others.. I will also be blogging my relationship and or dating failures as their own stories since most of them are reminiscent of Melrose Place. Like I've said before, The Bible says 'to have a friend is to be a friend' however my own experience has been.. To be a friend is to be used as a driver.. a driver for the one with kids and no car, a driver for the drunk who wants a free ride.. To b e a friend is to be ditched in a club by a friend on a date.. To be a friend is to be lied to or have people not make the effort to come to your birthday party. To be a friend is to listen to the patronising dramas and statemets saying 'oh we'll be there for you'.. hollow.. hollow.. hollow... I hope to build up a blog following.. and I hope to recieve your anti friendship stories too. xoxo Over and Out.

Done with friends, done with people.. done with you.

I've had to ask myself this question many times. What is it about me, that attracts people who treat me in a way that makes me sad. Having my confidences broken, makes me sad... Having friends that either make me do all the visiting their homes, and they never come to my home, or who expect me to call them, and they never call me.. makes me sad... Having friends who cancel on me last minute, makes me sad.. Having friends who ditch me in a club that I didn't even want to go to, and then leave me driving around the city for hours on end not knowing what has happened, makes me sad.. Having friends who disregard my feelings so much that they won't even show up to my birthday party.. makes me sad.. Having "friends" who won't even hit "like" on my business page, makes me sad.. Doing photographs for friends.. or should I say, "friends" and not even getting a single 'thank you these are great' or even 'thank you' makes me sad... Having a friend promise to help me with something I really need a hand with, and not show up or contact me at all to say they are not going to show up also makes me sad... It's important to me in friendships that I'm not the only person doing the calling, the visiting, and the giving of myself. There is a saying 'to have a friend is to be a friend first' but I just don't see that as true for me. So many times I invite people over, and they don't come, or they say my apartment is not enjoyable enough for them.. So many times I have people only call me because they want photographs. Sunday I had 2 "friends" not show up at all for me. The first was one who promised to help me with the bridal expo, and never showed up.. I texted her, called her, but she turned her phone off and ignored me.. Since then has been status updating how much fun she's having with other friends on her facebook.. The other was supposed to come over at night and never showed. I just want a couple of good girlfriends who don't make me feel crap about myself.. and the fact that this seems so difficult to find makes me wonder what is wrong with myself. There must be something wrong with me that I just can't find a nice girl friend to accept me for me.. who sees what is going on in my world as important, and who talks to me about what is going on in her world. This year has been a huge exodus for me.. One friendship ending after another.. and I've just reached the point where I only have 2 left.. and neither of them are in Australia.. Nobody knows how many tears I cry every week, every month, every year. Few know what it's likke to have not a soul to talk to. To go to concerts alone.. because you can't find a single friend to go with.. To go to a bar with a girl you can't stand, becuase you coudlnt find a friend you actually liked to go with you. To sit alone at church, week after week.. watching the happy families.. watching the 'bffs' hug eachother through the service.. Looking at the 2 girls from Sweden who are backpacking Australia together, however I had to travel alone.. Never being able to look forward to Christmas, because you don't have a family of your own, and you are tired of the ambarrassment of explaining to the 'good smaratians' family why you're at their family do on christmas day.. and well.. there's nothing to look forward to.. it's all gone. Theres so much hurt I have built up inside.. The friend who lives streets away, but refuses to help out by feeding my cats, the guy friend who ends the friendship because I won't date who he thinks I should date, and starts trying to pitch people against me? The girl who just ditches me and doesn't even bother to text me to say where she's gone and disappears... letting me waste hours of time looking for her, The friend who guilts me into lending her cds and then scratches them and loses the box, The friend who loses my gear and then doesn't want to replace it, and the friend who tells me 'you really need to get over your mothers death' The friend who says they really aren't interested in coming to my party, even though it's important to me, the friends who personally attack me because I don't feel teh way they feel on some of lifes topics.. The friend who I let stay with me for free, who met the love of their life through me, and then dumped on me and didn't even invite me to the wedding? Makes me feel really good! The sadness of being picked last on the baseball team, of being asked to come out just because they need an extra number in the group, the sadness of having nowhere to go at chrsitmas, the sadness of gettings crewed over.. it seems i have nobody left. I know i have the choice.. the cholice of keeping people in my life who treat me in a way that makes me feel bad.. or the choice to move on and pray... I don't know what my choie is.. but I float between wanting to be like Melanie Hamilton, and just seeing the good in people no matter what.. but I find myself with friends who don't value me.. (spreading rumours) my time (not showing up or texting) and just treating me poorly.. I can't keep subjecting my heart to it anymore, and have been considering my options. Interpret that as you like.. I'm sad and unsure where to go from here... and that is for sure. 2012.. the official exodus of every friend on the books!

"Friendship - Reason, Season, or Lifetime" Letter from an ex friend

While I was sorting through a pile of old data disks from the early to mid '10s, I found this email from an old friend. It looks like she didn't write it but pasted it to me, and since I often ponder the meaning of life and relationships, I felt the need to share it.
She sent this to me in January 2007. Within a year our friendship had disbanded. It was sad because we were very close. Throughout our friendship she had often told me that she didn't like who she was while she was with her ex boyfriend... She said that she isolated herself from people when she was with him. She said for this reason she and he would never get back together. She ended up back with this boyfriend, and she began sabotaging all of her close friendships soon after, including her friendsihp with me. She is missed... I've lost many friends along the way. Close friends, best friends, friendly aquaintances... and boyfriends who have claimed that i was their best friend...
So perhaps this will be of help to you. :)
It's not meant to be an answer.. but food for thought.

Reason, Season, Lifetime... Author Unknown

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are. They are there for the reason you need them to be. Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die, or fade into anonymity. Sometimes circumstances dictate that they go in another direction leaving you to wonder; sometimes they walk away, uncaring and unwilling. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand, hoping that enmity hasn’t reared its ugly head. What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done. Reasons can go against you…but when it does, all you can do is assess it for what it’s worth, monitor subsequent correspondences, make your decision and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has
come to share, grow or learn. They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it, it is real. But only for a season. Seasonal tidings with this situation usually deal with those that are going through changes, can’t cope with certain situations that cause them to step outside of comfort zones, or are unwilling to take chances. Other seasonal fold readily recognizes their own kind and will not hesitate to cut you loose.

LIFETIME relationships are harder to recognize for the moment, but with time can be the best choice you can make. But how many people do you know are willing to persevere for the long haul? Life timers teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. They accept you for what you are, do not prematurely judge you, do not have any inhibitions about taking chances for the betterment of the relationship, and surely feel that compatibility is something that is assessed as you go, not at the spur of the moment. There’s GOT to be something that you can learn from this type of person. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant. Silence doesn’t suppose to be as ominous to cut deep like the sharpest knife. To be cut loose dangling trying to fathom how it went south, is to know that directional change does not have to be defined by ill winds and misplaced logic…I thank all the people I’ve met in my lifetime who have lent me their ears, allowed me to belong, love and be loved. I’m all the better because somewhere, somehow, and someone have given me hope that friendship is not fleeting…. that it can be a true embodiment of comraderie for as long as we deem it necessary! And for those that I’ve called a friend at some point in my life, you will always be one …but know that you will not be forgotten.