To believe or not to believe.. that is the question...

Let me start by clarifying that this post is about both friendship and romantic love.. faith in people, faith in impending happiness.. Fear of impending doom.

I've found what frustrates me most is that people will say anything to get you to shut up, smile, and momentarily stop worrying.. "You'll find the one.." "you're not meant to be alone..."
If somebody ends up alone.. you'll find people making all sorts of excuses for why this happened.. "They probably didn't try" but if you tell them that's not the case, they'll say "well they must have tried too hard"....
At a seminar I went to that was held at a church... a woman got up and shared her story.. Her story of miscarriage upon miscarriage.. the many comments of so called well meaning people, telling her the miscarriaged didn't matter.. and something she said during her talk, was that "those of us who have a struggle, are trying to keep a balance between hope and despair..."

Hope<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Despair


I really don't know where I sit on that scale.. You see.. my mother is dead.. my male biological parent was never a part of my life.. by his choice, and my sisters and brother chose not to be a part of my life either.. being over a dozen years older than me.. I grew up alone.. with my Mother.. completely isolated from people besides those that I saw at school.
I never had friends at school.. On the recipient end of much bullying.. school was a nightmare for me.. My mother and sister would say that it's when you go to college that you 'get friends' or in the workplace is where you'd find your wonderful true soulmates.. but this hasn't happened for me either...

From a young age their has been a lingering thought that I wouldn't make it into my mid thirties...

"Friendship"

You know some people tell me that the friendships on television aren't real.. It's just television.. but that couldn't be further from the truth. Where does television come from? As a writer myself, I can tell you that writers write from experience.. Many years ago I stated that I wanted to write a book called... "The Anti Friendship Book - When Familiarity Breeds Contempt" Each chapter was going to be a short story of it's own merit. Some where going to be my stories.. Some where going to be other peoples stories shared with me (with names changed) for the book sake.. This year for me has been an exodus.. An exodus of friends walking out of my life for various reason.. and just like my youth.. some of those reasons are crazy. Would you believe I once lost a friend because we had a fight over pronunciation? And when I was 19, my "best friend" slept with my other best friend who I thought I was in love with.. hence ending both friendships.. Ultimately my life has taught me one loud screaming message.. "Do not trust people." I've had my share of female friends who are only around when they're single, to friends who treat you in a way that you don't want to accept.. but you let them because you're trying to figure the answers.. Let's come back to that thought.. The book was going to be short stories.. Some a half page, some pages upon pages long.. Each would start with the characters meetings, their relationship blooming.. and the demise of the friendship.. and then anything crazy that happened afterwards. Amazingly enough, years after I started planning my idea I found a book by Liz Prior.. titled 'What Did I Do Wrong? - When Women Don't Tell Eachother The Friendsip is Over'. In the book Liz writes her own stories, and shares other womens about friendships that have mysteriously ended. She had a best friend who was her own bridesmaid, and shortly before the best friend got married, she did a disappearing act. I remember the day I saw the book on Amazon.. excitedly yelling inside 'THAT'S MY BOOK!' and I was bursting to recieve it. I submitted my own story to Liz at some point.. but since 2012 has been a new mass exodus of "friends" from my life.. (and I'm using the term semi loosely) I've decided that I am going to write the book afterall. Instead of writing it in a novel format, I'm going to write it in blog format. Each destroyed friendship is going to be a blog post of it's own.. Some will be my own stories.. Others will be stories given to me by others.. I will also be blogging my relationship and or dating failures as their own stories since most of them are reminiscent of Melrose Place. Like I've said before, The Bible says 'to have a friend is to be a friend' however my own experience has been.. To be a friend is to be used as a driver.. a driver for the one with kids and no car, a driver for the drunk who wants a free ride.. To b e a friend is to be ditched in a club by a friend on a date.. To be a friend is to be lied to or have people not make the effort to come to your birthday party. To be a friend is to listen to the patronising dramas and statemets saying 'oh we'll be there for you'.. hollow.. hollow.. hollow... I hope to build up a blog following.. and I hope to recieve your anti friendship stories too. xoxo Over and Out.

Done with friends, done with people.. done with you.

I've had to ask myself this question many times. What is it about me, that attracts people who treat me in a way that makes me sad. Having my confidences broken, makes me sad... Having friends that either make me do all the visiting their homes, and they never come to my home, or who expect me to call them, and they never call me.. makes me sad... Having friends who cancel on me last minute, makes me sad.. Having friends who ditch me in a club that I didn't even want to go to, and then leave me driving around the city for hours on end not knowing what has happened, makes me sad.. Having friends who disregard my feelings so much that they won't even show up to my birthday party.. makes me sad.. Having "friends" who won't even hit "like" on my business page, makes me sad.. Doing photographs for friends.. or should I say, "friends" and not even getting a single 'thank you these are great' or even 'thank you' makes me sad... Having a friend promise to help me with something I really need a hand with, and not show up or contact me at all to say they are not going to show up also makes me sad... It's important to me in friendships that I'm not the only person doing the calling, the visiting, and the giving of myself. There is a saying 'to have a friend is to be a friend first' but I just don't see that as true for me. So many times I invite people over, and they don't come, or they say my apartment is not enjoyable enough for them.. So many times I have people only call me because they want photographs. Sunday I had 2 "friends" not show up at all for me. The first was one who promised to help me with the bridal expo, and never showed up.. I texted her, called her, but she turned her phone off and ignored me.. Since then has been status updating how much fun she's having with other friends on her facebook.. The other was supposed to come over at night and never showed. I just want a couple of good girlfriends who don't make me feel crap about myself.. and the fact that this seems so difficult to find makes me wonder what is wrong with myself. There must be something wrong with me that I just can't find a nice girl friend to accept me for me.. who sees what is going on in my world as important, and who talks to me about what is going on in her world. This year has been a huge exodus for me.. One friendship ending after another.. and I've just reached the point where I only have 2 left.. and neither of them are in Australia.. Nobody knows how many tears I cry every week, every month, every year. Few know what it's likke to have not a soul to talk to. To go to concerts alone.. because you can't find a single friend to go with.. To go to a bar with a girl you can't stand, becuase you coudlnt find a friend you actually liked to go with you. To sit alone at church, week after week.. watching the happy families.. watching the 'bffs' hug eachother through the service.. Looking at the 2 girls from Sweden who are backpacking Australia together, however I had to travel alone.. Never being able to look forward to Christmas, because you don't have a family of your own, and you are tired of the ambarrassment of explaining to the 'good smaratians' family why you're at their family do on christmas day.. and well.. there's nothing to look forward to.. it's all gone. Theres so much hurt I have built up inside.. The friend who lives streets away, but refuses to help out by feeding my cats, the guy friend who ends the friendship because I won't date who he thinks I should date, and starts trying to pitch people against me? The girl who just ditches me and doesn't even bother to text me to say where she's gone and disappears... letting me waste hours of time looking for her, The friend who guilts me into lending her cds and then scratches them and loses the box, The friend who loses my gear and then doesn't want to replace it, and the friend who tells me 'you really need to get over your mothers death' The friend who says they really aren't interested in coming to my party, even though it's important to me, the friends who personally attack me because I don't feel teh way they feel on some of lifes topics.. The friend who I let stay with me for free, who met the love of their life through me, and then dumped on me and didn't even invite me to the wedding? Makes me feel really good! The sadness of being picked last on the baseball team, of being asked to come out just because they need an extra number in the group, the sadness of having nowhere to go at chrsitmas, the sadness of gettings crewed over.. it seems i have nobody left. I know i have the choice.. the cholice of keeping people in my life who treat me in a way that makes me feel bad.. or the choice to move on and pray... I don't know what my choie is.. but I float between wanting to be like Melanie Hamilton, and just seeing the good in people no matter what.. but I find myself with friends who don't value me.. (spreading rumours) my time (not showing up or texting) and just treating me poorly.. I can't keep subjecting my heart to it anymore, and have been considering my options. Interpret that as you like.. I'm sad and unsure where to go from here... and that is for sure. 2012.. the official exodus of every friend on the books!