Done with friends, done with people.. done with you.

I've had to ask myself this question many times. What is it about me, that attracts people who treat me in a way that makes me sad. Having my confidences broken, makes me sad... Having friends that either make me do all the visiting their homes, and they never come to my home, or who expect me to call them, and they never call me.. makes me sad... Having friends who cancel on me last minute, makes me sad.. Having friends who ditch me in a club that I didn't even want to go to, and then leave me driving around the city for hours on end not knowing what has happened, makes me sad.. Having friends who disregard my feelings so much that they won't even show up to my birthday party.. makes me sad.. Having "friends" who won't even hit "like" on my business page, makes me sad.. Doing photographs for friends.. or should I say, "friends" and not even getting a single 'thank you these are great' or even 'thank you' makes me sad... Having a friend promise to help me with something I really need a hand with, and not show up or contact me at all to say they are not going to show up also makes me sad... It's important to me in friendships that I'm not the only person doing the calling, the visiting, and the giving of myself. There is a saying 'to have a friend is to be a friend first' but I just don't see that as true for me. So many times I invite people over, and they don't come, or they say my apartment is not enjoyable enough for them.. So many times I have people only call me because they want photographs. Sunday I had 2 "friends" not show up at all for me. The first was one who promised to help me with the bridal expo, and never showed up.. I texted her, called her, but she turned her phone off and ignored me.. Since then has been status updating how much fun she's having with other friends on her facebook.. The other was supposed to come over at night and never showed. I just want a couple of good girlfriends who don't make me feel crap about myself.. and the fact that this seems so difficult to find makes me wonder what is wrong with myself. There must be something wrong with me that I just can't find a nice girl friend to accept me for me.. who sees what is going on in my world as important, and who talks to me about what is going on in her world. This year has been a huge exodus for me.. One friendship ending after another.. and I've just reached the point where I only have 2 left.. and neither of them are in Australia.. Nobody knows how many tears I cry every week, every month, every year. Few know what it's likke to have not a soul to talk to. To go to concerts alone.. because you can't find a single friend to go with.. To go to a bar with a girl you can't stand, becuase you coudlnt find a friend you actually liked to go with you. To sit alone at church, week after week.. watching the happy families.. watching the 'bffs' hug eachother through the service.. Looking at the 2 girls from Sweden who are backpacking Australia together, however I had to travel alone.. Never being able to look forward to Christmas, because you don't have a family of your own, and you are tired of the ambarrassment of explaining to the 'good smaratians' family why you're at their family do on christmas day.. and well.. there's nothing to look forward to.. it's all gone. Theres so much hurt I have built up inside.. The friend who lives streets away, but refuses to help out by feeding my cats, the guy friend who ends the friendship because I won't date who he thinks I should date, and starts trying to pitch people against me? The girl who just ditches me and doesn't even bother to text me to say where she's gone and disappears... letting me waste hours of time looking for her, The friend who guilts me into lending her cds and then scratches them and loses the box, The friend who loses my gear and then doesn't want to replace it, and the friend who tells me 'you really need to get over your mothers death' The friend who says they really aren't interested in coming to my party, even though it's important to me, the friends who personally attack me because I don't feel teh way they feel on some of lifes topics.. The friend who I let stay with me for free, who met the love of their life through me, and then dumped on me and didn't even invite me to the wedding? Makes me feel really good! The sadness of being picked last on the baseball team, of being asked to come out just because they need an extra number in the group, the sadness of having nowhere to go at chrsitmas, the sadness of gettings crewed over.. it seems i have nobody left. I know i have the choice.. the cholice of keeping people in my life who treat me in a way that makes me feel bad.. or the choice to move on and pray... I don't know what my choie is.. but I float between wanting to be like Melanie Hamilton, and just seeing the good in people no matter what.. but I find myself with friends who don't value me.. (spreading rumours) my time (not showing up or texting) and just treating me poorly.. I can't keep subjecting my heart to it anymore, and have been considering my options. Interpret that as you like.. I'm sad and unsure where to go from here... and that is for sure. 2012.. the official exodus of every friend on the books!