Hey all.. :)
I'm back.
First of all if you havn't read my article 'Flirting and Christianity is it ok?' Id really encourage you to do so first :)
I felt like writing out some articles to share arguements about topics I've heard that are close to the heart of many christians, and we all seem to have rather dogmatic views on them :)
Even amongst my non christian friends, the topic of opposite sex friends seems to rise up some passionate feelings.. of positive AND negative in most people.
I wanted to share some of my own experiences, as well as some opinions that have been shared with me,
and discuss things that I've read in christian relationship books, and heard in sermons and on youth camps (from in my day!)
Some of the things I'm going to talk about are
1) Opposite sex friends - the basics
2) The "Like a brother/ Like a sister" card...
3) Physical Contact - The boundaries
4) Friends with ex's - Can it ever work
5) The opposite sex friends and their affect on your relationships
6) Your connections to the opposite sex - are they healthy?
7) Avoidance of the opposite sex - Probably unhealthy
8) Opposite Sex best friends.. is it ever ok?
9) Alone with the opposite sex
10) Relationship problems - when your relationship is weak.. or communication is low.. that is danger time
1) Opposite sex friends.. the basics..
Well the question of opposite sex friends is.. are you honestly just friends?
There is a difference between genuinely being a friend.. and being a friend hoping to one day be more.
I know I've been disappointed by being 'dumped' by male friends because I didn't want a relationship with them.. and they had no interest in freindship..
On the flip side I have seen guys stay friends with girls for years.. hoping for more.. and I've seen girls do the same things.
I would say these are definately UNHEALTHY friendships.
The right person at the wrong time needs to be seen as the wrong person.. and you need to move on.
Hanging on the hope that something more will occur is only going to be damaging to any other relationship you try to start in the future.
Boundaries need to be set and the fact that there is no attraction needs to be established and agreed upon.
Speaking again from my experiences I have distanced myself from male freinds who I was suspicious that they wanted more as I didn't want to encourage them.. and once I established that they didn't want more, was free to continue the friendship.
I've heard it at a youth camp once many years ago that it's unhealthy to have NO opposite sex friends. Opposite sex friends help you have a healthy relationship with the person you are going to marry one day.. It is also unhealthy to have more than 1/3rd opposite sex friends.. The ratio according to the speaker should be 1/3rd opposite sex friends and 2/3rds same sex friends.
If you aren't getting along with the same sex.. you need to look at why.. and if you are seeking attention from the opposite sex in vast ammounts.. there is a problem there too!
Having no opposite sex friends might show that you don't have a healthy way of relating with the opposite sex, and that is also a danger zone..
2) This person is 'like a brother' or 'like a sister'
As somebody who has both played this card, and had this card played on me.. I can say that it's not nice at all.. The only thing this card does if played dishonestly is build insecurity and build relationships on rock foundations.
This card can only be played 100% honestly..
In my life I have dated men who were against me having male friends. My arguement has always been 'if God had given me biological brothers.. you wouldn't see them as a threat.. this person fills that role for me.. and just because we aren't related I don't feel I should be at a disadvantage'
The problem is you have to be 100% honest about this.
You genuinely have to have no attraction to that person, and genuinely have to see them in a sibling light.. if you don't - if you aren't honest about it, any relationship you have is going to continuously be threatened by the friendship with that member of the opposite sex.
3) Physical Contact - The boundaries
Boundaries definately need to be set when it comes to physical contact in opposite sex relationships.
We all know the 'christian crotch apart hug'
where your shoulders are hugging but your crotches are so far apart that 3 small children could probably walk between you!
Seinfeld has mentioned that afew times :)
If you're hanging out cuddling on a sofa.. or couch.. it's probably safe to say that you aren't JUST FRIENDS.. or at least in one of your minds you aren't.. and that isn't healthy either!
I know as a 17 year old, my 'best friend' was a guy.. a guy who had a girlfriend.. a guy whos girlfriend hated me.. and I couldn't figure out why! Well when he was single I was always trying on the moves.. I have a rule now... a very christian very wise rule. NEVER CHASE A BOY!!! if a man wants you.. a man will chase you.. if the man won't chase you.. find another man!
But as a teenager I definately had some unhealthy boundaries and ideas.. before you knew it.. my female best friend met him, and slept with him.. and the friendships dissolved.
This comes back to the last topic.. Make sure it is a genuine freindship with no romantic motives ideas or feelings..
Don't try to snuggle on the couch like siamese twins or cats.. Think to yourself 'if this friend was married, or if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend would they be ok if they walked into the room right now'
if you constantly honestly have that thought in your head.. 'if I had a girl/boyfriend or if they had a husband/wife and they walked in right now.. would they still feel secure in our relationship' then that is a good way of thinking.
4) Friends with ex's.. can it ever work?
I have many friends with whom I've had this conversation.. and had many different answers.
As a teenager I believed one should be friends with their ex's, as if you aren't friends.. how could you ever trust that your connection had ever been real? was it all a lie?
I had older women friends in their 30s who yelled a big resounding "NO!, you can't be friends with an ex.. how can you be friends with somebody who broke your heart' etc.. The older I've become the more inclined I have been to agree.. Speaking from my own life I have never had a relationship that has ended with 2 people saying 'you know what? this relationship has been fun, but I think we should be better suited as platonic friends or aquaintances'... The relationships that I've been in have usually ended with somebody being dishonest OR dishonorable.. in which case no foundation of a loving friendship could be sustained..
I have friends who are either not christian, or back slidden christians who have a long line of past sexual partners or past girlfriend/boyfriends whom they claim to be close friends with and they are very PRO staying frineds with an ex.
They say that it means the relationship ended healthily and it shows that they can be freinds with an ex, which shows healthy communication.
My own opinions are that being friends with exes usually doesn't open the door for a healthy secure well founded new relationship.
It keeps the gateway to the past open, the connection to the past open...
In the case of people who are single with children, there is a tie that cannot be broken and that person is in that persons life. This is something that needs to be dealt with by new relationship partners..
I've read a lot of relationship books and talked to a lot of people, and am currently listening to a 48 hour sermon series on relationships.
Something they have said is when you build relationships with people, whether you go as far as sexually sinning or not, you are making soul ties with that person.. These soul ties are much stronger if you have sexually sinned with them, but even just kissing does something inside ones spirit.. I've heard a pastor talk about this in a sermon before.. That's why most prostitutes don't kiss their clients.. because kissing is very intimate and builds a connection.
Therefore is it approapriate to stay friends with somebody that you have such a 'tie' to.. ?
Is keeping such connections active in your life going to be healthy or constructive to the people you date in the future? or to the person you are going to marry and promise your life to in the future?
To me, friends with 'ex's'.. the term 'ex's' includes people you have had feelings for.. even if you havn't dated them.
I was once in a relationship with a man who had 2 best freinds.. one male, one female.
He stated that all the girls he had dated including his ex wife were jealous of his female best friends beauty.
It turned out he had been in love with her for 8 years.. and still was.
He played the 'like a sister' excuse.. and he and her had never dated because she didn't feel that way about him, but who knows if he will ever have a healthy relationship because he just can't let go of this female best freind that he has feelings for.. and that puts her in an even more dangerous category than an 'ex'!
5) The Opposite Sex friends and their affect on your relationships.
- Speaking of my own friendships and relationships, I have a good male friend. Although he is only a decade older than me he definately fills a bit of a 'dads advice' role in my life. Always there to listen, always there to give good advice, and I hate to say it but most of the time he is right.
Over the years of our friendship I have gotten to know his wife. She is lovely. I really like her, and I think she likes me now that she knows me.
I know for a fact that if our friendship EVER became a problem for his wife, he would end the friendship.
He has established that boundary, she has established that boundary, and I'm pretty sure both of us, along with his wife know that our friendship is just that.. friendship.. But I know.. he knows.. his wife knows.. where everybody stands.
I have been in relationships where the person I was dating told me they didn't want me to be alone with my opposite sex friends.. The person I was dating also refused to get to know ANY of my friends, regardless of their gender.. and that in itself was a barrier for the relationship, and put strains on not only the relationship but my friendships too!
I would feel extremely frustrated in a relationship where the person I was with was placing limitations on my life.. like whom I could and couldn't be friends with or spend time with, but at the same time I also believe in going to the extreme to make the person yo uare dating feel secure.
I have heard many men in the church say 'when I am married I don't want my wife to hang out with opposite sex friends'
BUT the guys saying this were hanging out with opposite sex friends.
I firmly believe if you want your marriage to be a certain way, you have to live that way while you are dating.
So.. if you are a man and don't want your future wife to be spending time alone with guys, then it's wise that you don't spend time alone with girls!
and if you don't want her hanging around with her ex boyfriends, then make sure you aren't hanging around with your ex girlfriends.
As I mentioned in the last point.. make sure you don't just look out for exes.. but possible people that person has had feelings for but not dated.
Are they in love with somebody in an unrequited fashion?
Keep your eyes open and your wits about you.
Don't jump to conclusions but do follow your instincts.
Somebody who cares about you should and will take the initiative to make changes in their life to minimise your fears or discomforts.
6) Your connections to the opposite sex.. are they healthy?
I think a lot of what I have already said covers this topic, but just make sure that if you say 'we're just friends' that you are telling the truth.
7) Avoidance of the opposite sex.. probably unhealthy
Again I've talked about this in the opening intro.
If you don't have opposite sex friends then it might indicate you aren't going to function in a relationship as you havn't had to learn how the opposite sex works.
It is also very healthy to have opposite sex friends to get wise council and advice from both genders when you are dating, if things come up that you aren't sure about.. as guys and girls think differently.
8) Opposte sex best friends? Is it ever ok?
I have noticed a difference in men who do have a female best friend, and men who don't.
Something I absolutely adore about a lot of my platonic christian male friends is I hear them say things like "I'm looking for my best friend.. when I find her.. I'll marry her"
or "I'm looking for a girl who could be my best friend.. I don't have a best friend right now because I want my future wife to be that best friend".
I know guys who have a female best friend
AND i know guys who have the 'golfing buddy' or 'basketball pal' best friend..
I have noticed that men who have men best friends - seem to have a different relationship than men who are waiting for a wife to be their best friend..
Men who are waiting for a wife to be their best friend seem to have healthier ideas on the marital relationship and a better understanding of the sentence 'to the exclusion of all others'
Men and women with opposite sex best friends who are not their marital partners seem to ring a bit of an alarm bell for me personally.
I have girlfriends who have a boyfriend AND a male best friend.. and they think it's fine..
but we've all seen 'My best friends wedding' with Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts?
How much preassure do you think that friendship is going to put on their relationship?
I wonder how a man would feel married to me if I considered another man my best friend? or how I would feel marrying a man whos best friend was another girl?
I can tell you I just would not go there..
To me the opposite sex thing kinda affects 'the exclusion of all others' which is a BOOM Shazamm highlighted point in the marital vows.. But I guess this is a decision each person has to come to in their relationships...
Think to yourself 'if this friend was married, or if I had a boyfriend or girlfriend would they be ok if they walked into the room right now'
I know as a 17 year old, my 'best friend' was a guy.. a guy who had a girlfriend.. a guy whos girlfriend hated me.. and I couldn't figure out why!
Well I wouldn't be too fond of a girl who was spending 6 hours a week with my boyfriend either and that's what I was doing.. spending 6 or more hours a week with him.. and as the 'female best friend' I recieved many calls along the lines of 'should I break up with Nyaree? Should I dump her" I stayed nutral and replied 'if you are asking then it sounds like you know'
But of course I had motives and hopefulness and these friendships just don't wash well with me.. and so many others.. and this is why!
9) Alone with the opposite sex
I think we covered this under boundaries :)
10) Relationship Problems.. When your relationship is weak and communication is low. DANGER TIME
Sometimes in relationships we can't be with the one we love as much as we'd like.
They might have a job where they work away, a policeman and a nurse might hardly see eachother because of shift work, or there might be other vulnerablities like a dying relative, health scare, anything along these lines.
When a relationship doesn't have the communication it should, or would normally have.. it leaves the relationship weak..
When a relationship is weak, this is when both or at least one party is not having their needs met, and this is when people can 'accidentally' get themselves into dangerous situations..
ie the opposite sex friend who has had a secret crush for a while starts to move in for the kill..
So I would love to hear peoples thoughts, theories, opinions.. and I'm running late for where I have to be so I'll have to write the conclusion later!
After having a chat to one of my platonic male friends this week.. something we agreed on about opposite sex friends is that ACCOUNTABILITY IS CRUCIAL.
Letting your partner know who your friends are, the nature of your relationship, when you are seeing that friend, what you did together, if you talked on the phone.
High levels of communication build high levels of trust.
What are your thoughts?
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